Personal Blog Entry

5/12/18

Hello everyone,

This is a bit new to me in learning using marketing emails to easily get the word out about global updates instead of the traditional route in hunting down emails and personalizing each one of them when it is just a universal update for all.

I wanted to give a few updates so everyone is on the same page as far as how life is going and in relation to work, it can be very time consuming updating everyone in just a weeks time so this is just an easier solution I am trying out in hopes it will work out for my clients. For the normal viewer of my work, I have posted this copy of the email for all to view so everyone knows the goings on of my personal life.


2017 & 2018 Delays

As embarrassing as this sounds, as it stands and mentioned in previous website updates, 2017 and 2018 commissions are delayed and I am refusing any additional work until both years' clients are finished and delivered on their door steps. I took on too much work than what I can chew in 2017 and I am currently grinding to a halt because of it. Trying to time manage between everyone's requests, changes, modifications, repainting things to be just right is delaying other future projects to a stand still until the problematic kits are done and completed. I did not take this into consideration and I am still behind.

Aside from that happened February to March of last year with the move and then a few months down the road of my basement flooding it what initially caused the delays. You can read up on detail of these specifics in my previous blog on my website and the damages, but now comes 2018, new year new you right? Mmmn, more aside the point a lot even happened towards the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018. Back in October I had pretty much a majority of all my teeth pulled in hopes for a new smile. Right now I still don't have my permanent teeth for I am not happy with them. I still need to get my wisdom teeth extracted, but for how insurance costs and paying out of pocket is in the USA, I can't afford it, so I have to go visit my GK colleague Leona this year in October for assistance in getting theme extracted through their dental personnel. I went to visit Leona back in October of last year after a few weeks after my initial extraction in hopes in spending time with a friend, given I was going through a lot of stress. Something I have not done in many years given how sheltered I am to the outside world. Being able to sit and talk with her and having her help me with a few problematic kits I have been tackling since last year really helped. Not even just with kits but with personal talk and what struggles we were having. It was nice to have a bit of gal pal talk.

Harassment & Stress

During that time I was also in a very difficult situation of a few newcomers. Wound up escalating into drama, threats, harassment and worse...this was the worst point in time with all the clients I have dealt with whom have been very understanding and sweet. This just made me want to stop commissions all together...It's a long story I rather not fully get into since I have let it go eons ago, but it's the fact people don't read my updates or commission info that results in these catastrophic events that could have been avoided...in the end I could have stopped the projects and returned the figures to their proper owners...but for me, I can't let a kit or two go uncompleted so I delivered...in the end they were....happy...but clearly I was not, but I am glad they are completed and off my work stable though, but has left me scarred for sure...But keeping in mind even on the ideal of harassing or threatening, what makes you think the commission paint job will be any good in pushing me and forcing me to go faster and expect high results? I don't think I will ever understand this...

After all of this I was still healing from my extractions, also struggling financially and I over worry about bills so frequently, I think about it when I try to get out of bed in the morning...So I went in search of a job, something to get SOMETHING paid off, but the training never panned out, never really HAD the training I needed so I left, and the hours were eating me alive and my commission work. I can't juggle even a part time job for how far behind on commissions I was in. Plus it's not right for you guys and need to get these projects done.

The other thing is how my work is being presented. I haven't been entirely happy with the outcome of my work recently and my thought process in building kits has been very bad. For example: "No no this isn't acceptable, they will notice this or that issue. This isn't my best work, everything is wrong with it, I need to start over...They will hate this or that or the whole thing overall...what is wrong with me, why can't I do better..." The list goes on. I have had clients nitpick over small things and honestly they do have a right to point out things if they are not happy with something to pick out things that are wrong, but with dust flake or two embedded in the paint is out of my control if I can't sand it off, or something that is beyond my ability with I made more ot in advance of those said issues...or other common things they point out after the fact they get it has been stressful, and they don't want to send it back to get fixed, I am left with nothing to do nor anyway to help...keeping in mind this was only with two people but I still think these thoughts across every one of my clients...believe me I am not perfect, no one is, and my work does have a flaw here and there based on my ability I never label myself as perfect cause I am not. It's not going to be PVC grade and comparing it to a PVC is kinda a slap in the face cause they are two totally different things, plus ontop of that, even PVCs have flaws too. As much as I want something to be perfect, everyone has their methods, or they are learning as they build or they have limitations on making a figure "perfect" in their book. Believe me I try everything I can to make something "close to flawless" but it seems impossible to me, though I try to best...it seems it's never enough...so I am trying to take my time to fix these issues so people are happier, but it does become exhausting hearing negative instead of positiveall the time...it's like...what more can I do to make your happy for once? So with these thoughts in mind, I have had my mind in the gutter and have lack of drive to work on kits like I used to, but with therapy it has been helping slowly but surly. Again I deal with critisism on a daily basis, even with my design work for advertising, its 2nd nature to me and doesn't phase me, I do learn it as a learning experience, but to GKs when someone drills you all the time, you just don't want to work with them anymore, it's like they want to find something everytime so they can get a discount or something? Which I don't offer btw, return and I shall fix. If you can't return, it's out of my control, ontop of that, why come back to me if I can never make you happy either? I don't think I will ever understand this...

Finally Seeking Professional Help

As of last Monday, I decided to get help from a physiologist. For the first session from what he described back at me, he was very concerned I had a lot of my plate and alooot of things that need fixing, especially with myself. I haven't been taking care of myself cause I am over worried about things, lack of drive and or motivation and want to curl up in a ball in hopes everything would fix or finish itself...when in reality that will never happen. I am hoping these sessions will help me get the drive I once had before I started taking commissions to begin with. I figured having more clients I can do things full time to have as a job when in reality I am severely behind and haven't made any money in half a year almost...

But anyway, my point is and in summary with my therapist, I had to come to the realization that, no matter what, 2017 and 2018 project are delayed. Period. Their is nothing I can do to get back the time I have lost, the only thing I do know is that everyone WILL get their projects delivered. And to clarify by "delayed" I mean if I gave you a rough time estimate when I will begin your project, it has now been extended to be worked on later. It's a matter of when it will be. I am worried that people think I would run off with their money when that is not true, nor people never suggested that, it's just the thought that goes through my mind (overthinking like I always go) when in reality I am juggling so much in projects right now I don't know where to begin aside from first come first served...But I think if I can tell my mind that yes, they are delayed, but you have to keep working to deliver and that I am not a person to run away, it would clear up my mind of not over worrying I only have X amount of months or I am a failure or my client might kill me thought process I might be able to work in peace. I have to accept this to move on and to get my drive back. But of course I am not sure what you all are thinking, but again I do not run like some artists, ymost of yall know where I live, why would I risk my life, or stress myself even MORE to find way to ditch people...? I possibly don't have the capacity or ability to do that, I am stressed enough as-is x,,,D

I sincerely want to apologize to each and everyone of your for letting you down if I gave a time estimate if and when I start your projects, I figured with the speed and drive I had when I initially took on commissions was high, I would have delivered in starting projects at those times...but as it stands right now, if yall are willing to forgive me and are ok with this, I will update everyone when I have your project on my table. I need to tackle each one at a time to complete them faster. I can't give any time estimates until I am mid way through your projects to know a delivery date.

Even though art does take time, I don't mean it to take THIS long, but my therapist requested I contact you all to express how I am feeling and why things are the way that they are at this time.

Inner Demons

On the side I have been struggling with personal and mental health issues, not taking care of myself and my health is effecting a lot, insomnia, not being able to sleep or not sleep at all for over worrying things being delayed. Worried that the work I do is worthless and or a horrible direction of a career. Clients asking for updates when their project isn't even on my table. Stopping what I am doing to give cthat said client an update of very little progress and it not being enough for them. Keep messing up progress on kits then its at a stand still. Back to a kit I was originally working on before the previous client contacted me for an update, I was all out of order...I HAD no order to start my day. Just a matter of over worrying, upsetting people (if I am) disappointing people, and I buried myself in a deep hole I couldn't get out of. I am very sincere to people, open and honest, but it tends to kill me inside the fact of disappointing people or letting them down...

What I am trying to get at is I in no way want to upset any of you guys, I only want to give the best to my ability that I have in giving you what I am able to give in your pieces, but right now I am fighting a lot of demons and need to take a step back and take each project one at a time like I did before. I promise to deliver, as to when it is, is unknown, but I try to keep people posted the best that I can if and when I have it. I hate to update yall and it not be in relation to your kit or not have any photos to show...I hope you guys understand and walk with me step by step to get caught up with work.

If you guys have any issues, please reach out to me in old reply emails.

What am I up to now?

-ahem- Aside from the debbie downer stuff, after I came to that acceptance of my actions, I am currently in line to finish about 5 projects for once! They have been very time consuming due to heavy modifications and client approval processes, but of course these are the projects that have been waiting a super long time to be finished.

I will try to create a separate newsletter to share any updates on new website entries when they are available. I would like to save up for a camera but the $500 is not in my favor nor my pockets x,D So I will do my best with my outdated 2009 Powershot to get the job done, haha!

Streaming Schedule???

It's been something I have been wanting to get back into for a long time, and even my therapist recommends it as a good step forward in getting work done while also conversing with people; which I rarely do as it is xD. For a short time I did do a few facebook livestreams, but had issues with the music content, a lot of times the videos got removed, in which I had no way to save the videos for my records...then proceeded to move to Youtube, same issue but not as bad, looking for various playlists that avoid the ban hammer on copyright so I an enjoy music while working. The other thing is, is content. As obvious as it is, just work on kits right? Well, some projects are either in secret, too nsfw, very complicated and or for whatever other reason makes it hard to record the content. So I have to limit which kits I work on at this time until i build up familiarity in consistent work to livestream more often and while also not making it boring me sanding crap for hours xD

The other thing is too of being boring...I would only be streaming prep work process since it's easier to do than painting, painting I have to be very delicate and careful of and can't be rushed. Plus a majority of the time I have to wait hours or days for stuff to cure properly, so painting is a no-go for me.

Though on the benefit side, I get more work done, people are up-to-date on stuff including clients, I sometimes email or message clients on social media "Hey I am gonna live stream prepping your commission, come watch!" Kinda thing and it does excite people too which makes me happy.

Lastly I am working on a schedule so I can get back in the spirit of things, such as setting hours when I work Monday - Friday and having weekends to do errands, chores, spend time with my fiance / boyfriend and so on so I have some sort of freedom.

Everything takes baby steps, but am trying to turn my life around too in the same process. I hoe yall will join me on this improving journey of my life and support me in the process.

Thank You

Anyway that is all I have for now for a global update. I hope this was informational in some way and had any curious minds as to where I was MIA for awhile. I am always here just grinding stuff out, learning new things, learning to work with new paints, methods and so on whenever I can and are able.

Again as mentioned, if yall have any concerns please reply to previous email replies we have talked in.

I hope all is well and thank you guys so much for your understanding with some of the people I recently talked to and your thoughtfulness of my well being.

Thank you all for your understanding and hope to keep bringing works to you to enjoy!

Sincerely,

Samantha